fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Panties = found
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