she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
zippers are such a cool invention
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Randomize
