Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
