Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
