when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
