I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
