3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize