to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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