I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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