We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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