I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
