so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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