You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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