Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
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you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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