it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
