It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My dick has a subreddit
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
