When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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