Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
