I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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