OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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