dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
