I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
These tits shall not be calmed
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
