we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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