all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
