what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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