Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
