i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
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He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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