she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
