just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
