is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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