So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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