I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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