I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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