The maid of honor just puked.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
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