My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
