i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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