i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
