omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
we're so committed to being not committed
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
