the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.