Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.