last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
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I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
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I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.