Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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