Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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