I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
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