im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Say something about gay babies.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
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Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night