My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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