Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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