you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
not ubering you a puppy
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
