i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
