I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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