I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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