I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
