u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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