Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Randomize
