im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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