I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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