Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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