Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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