We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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