Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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