I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
