Just fell off a train. Bad.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
