Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My ass is underappreciated
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
