how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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