So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
