the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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