Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
