I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
